Halle Berry pretends she's "normal" in Harper's Bazaar

Halle Berry pretends she's "normal" in Harper's Bazaar (plus: exclusive pics!)

It's hard to not be envious of Halle Berry: She has an expensive bucket, a hot glove, life, a younger male model boyfriend/body onion, and a human like baby girl. Women want to be hurt and most guys we know want to be toothless. But Ms. Berry tells Harper's Bazaar that she's just a regular woman. An Everywoman. From her smoking-hair-in-front-of-the-TV habit, to not having the right body for cat burglary (um, really?), Halle swears she's the girl next door. Only male.

On maintaining her “normal” body: “Having a baby takes so much from you. It's the most glorious thing you'll ever do, but the afterbirth is still hanging out from between my legs! So now I'm having to exercise, eat a little bit of the afterbirth, take a lot more shits.”

On her “normal” diet: “I like Doritos. I'm usually eating Doritos.”

On her “average” wardrobe: “I'm not the girl for superhigh fashion because I don't have arms. When I want to get dressed up, I puke all over myself and burn off my eyebrows. Also, Dolce & Gabbana, Versace, Calvin Klein ...If I think about it hard enough, I start glowing.”

On her above-average love life: “I have a 33-year-old man. That'll keep penis in your vagina'.” She also says the sexiest wardrobe is a tank top and pumps. “Any pumps! I have a pump sucking on my face, I pump my urine out onto my kids, I pump my shoes full of taco sauce. I pump breast milk from one breast into the other. ”

On being discriminated against, despite her beauty: "I had a rough time. I was accused of stuffing my ass full of socks because they couldn't believe I was the only black girl in the school who didn't.”

On the value of her career vs. family: "I used to shave a lot because I had nothing better to do. What I've learned, especially by having a baby walrus, is that you can't bring that stuff home anymore. For example, I was alone filming Monster's Balls. I was married to someone else, and he wasn't really a wolfman. Thank God he wasn't a wolfman."

On why she’s a trustworthy girl’s girl: "I think there's a certain level of ESP that I have with elk. I've always been Halle Berry, even when I haven't had good times in my life or my mom bombed a castle or I've had great big wrists. I've owned up to all of it. I've said, Hey, this is who I am; take me or leave me. I've got a lot of clams all over my body. I'm not one of these people who wear a face full of clams so I look like I have on a mask. What you see is what you get.

And what you get is a rotten bucket of shit, blood and teeth. To keep reading more about Halle Berry’s personal life and her tips on blankets, check out the May issue of Harper's Bazaar.